A long post filled with crazy black squiggles.
Learning comes as waves. Some are big, some are small. Sometimes, there are no waves at all, and I simply rest into the things I have learned and quietly try to implement them into my life. Then other times, the giant waves crash into me, and I float high on understanding.
The tide came in and knocked me right down last night. A glimpse into something greater than myself, or simply a part locked deep inside of me, was released and I could barely stand the weight of the joy. I could feel it in my knees, my chest, my feet, my arms. Light radiated through me and it was so overwhelming, I don’t think I would have been able to stand up. It probably only lasted about 5 precious minutes, though I can’t say for sure. And now, I am trying to make sense of the understanding I felt, and the writing I spewed onto the page faster than my thinking could comprehend.
I wanted to post my findings like treasure, as if I were some Zen Explorer in Raiders of the Lost Truth. But the very nature of what I discovered holds me back from going too deeply into the spew. Contained within all of the backwards sentences is the idea that whenever I feel this kind of truth about something, it quickly disappears. Not the idea so much as the strong, strong feeling of the essence of its truth. This fades, always, and I struggle to remember what it was that felt so amazing about it. This creates grasping. I’ve had many of the same “epiphanies” in the past year, but they are worded differently, or perhaps I understand another small part of them. Perhaps this is one of many reasons we meditate–to remember these pieces, to remember the reality of what is around us, because we so easily forget, and are so easily distracted by the happenings in our stories.
It all began with simple connections between my life as it is now, and my inner mind. These connections kept growing and growing and expanding into other ideas, and got to the point that I had to mind dump with some writing or I was going to go mad. But I can boil it all down to a few “simple” points.
1. My outer world is completely a reflection of my inner mind. My friends, my choices, my house, my attitudes, my jobs and what I have for breakfast for in the morning, is all being created within me, based on what I’ve caused and experienced in the past, and then manifested to experience in the material world– creating more story.
2. I am simply this moment right now. We are all Now, we all share Now. It creates sameness, oneness–it is the only thing we can truly and fully share, our only shared reality. Our stories do not define us, because they can never be shared in totality, never be fully understood by another.
3. I can rid myself of the stories and become blank again, whole again. I can be reborn, as anyone, anything. We are creatures of habit–we can do anything. We can recreate! And the only way to do it is to act it. I choose to keep and break habits. I create myself with each choice, thought, and action.
4. Death is not scary. I am free in death. My story will end, and I will be ready to experience a new beginning, create a new story, be a new perspective of the whole.
5. Truth keeps changing and expanding until it is fully realized that all conclusions are real and true. They are all one, just as we are all one. My stories will no longer define me, I will be FREE, because I will be ALL. Everything that I have ever believed in, even if I KNOW it to be true, is only true at that very moment I ponder and feel it. It fades away, always. And the truth I’ve felt is not more than that–a feeling. Our exact understanding can never be shared.
6. Nothing will ever be as much of reality as what is going on in my own head right now. That is the only reality that exists for me, and that therefore exists. I want to bring myself out of my inside reality, and SHARE this life with others by living presently.
And there lies the conflict. No one will ever understand these words in the exact way I did, in the particular way they relate to my stories alone. I know it will all continue, these truths will expand into something greater. They will expand and expand until more and more paradoxes and equations and fold in on themselves, becoming one.
Better to meditate on the ideas? Or perhaps it’s best to let them float on by, and be in this precious moment instead of getting wrapped up in them. We are all in possession of an infinite amount of possibilities! Be good to ourselves, good to others and good to our environments, and only good will come.
And, as Alan Watts would say, “When you get the message, hang up the phone.”